Hari Raya embraces in sadness

It has been awhile since the last time I blogged. Life had been so hard for the past few months. A lot of crises had happened which was beyond my understand. Most of the time I would feel pressure but I was numb. How should I react? How may I handle it? My sister kept on spurring hating words because she was feeling deep anguish and sadness for our mother. On the first of day of 'Raya', our mother called and wished us 'Happy Raya'. It was a varieties of reaction from simple smile to crying tears of longing for her presence. Regardless of this pain and sorrow that had befallen upon us. We will continue to remain strong and stay patience for Allah swt sake because we believe in Allah swt that things happened for reasons that Allah swt alone knows more. So, we remain faithful and believe strongly for Allah swt. We pray for guidance towards Allah swt.

Heart Dilemma immerse as a one-winged butterfly

Random things had occurred yesterday and I tried to do it step by step and slowly but it ended up caused me to quoted, "Seal my lips my lips with a butterfly kiss". There was a problem and she ask the 'why' question and I cannot bring myself to confront it cause I may end up having a nervous break down.

Then the results of the acceptance to study at the institution is so long to get the reply and I am so nerve-wary because I REMEMBER like it was a yesterday that if I were to quit I should inform this matter to Sir in a month advance but I had not inform yet. Every time, I look at the office's door it made me feel like a marshmallow gone expired that had been eaten and caused the stomach to grumble horribly as if it was contain full of poisonous flurry hop-hop 'PRE-butterflies'.

My father had been transfered to Belait and time is like the pace of a caterpillar since it caused me to behave so unusual and weird at the office. Yesterday, it was a blast and strange and everyone was hectic and sir was bore because he sweep the floor, he watched a bit Indonesian drama, he read my newspaper, he was texting away while all of us were doing the 'repeated roundabout just no exit' routine. I should mentioned this, he read my newspaper twice and I am asking myself what was the point of mention this.

P.S I am still on the road of becoming a true muslimah and my heart is always remembering Allah and Nabi Muhammad.

P.P.S I had finally bought the 2 books of 'JALAN KEMULIAAN AHLI SUFI'.

Gleam's of A White Butterfly

Time 2.09 pm, I was at yayasan on the net listening to the verse that was being recited beautifully by the young child and later I listen to the Ramadan song and again I was feeling so breetheless. I kept on asking myself why I neglected my duties as a muslim again and again. The cycle kept on repeating and I need to stop doing this mistakes. So, with guidance of Allah I shall change my attitude and never give in into those negative whisphering. While I was making a conviction, out of blue there flown softly and drifing downwards upon my eye level was the white butterfly. I know this may sound strange, I sense this is hidayat by Allah and I sincerely believe that regardless the transition I will have to carry out my responsibility as a muslim and an iman. I need to nurture to the goodwill of Allah. Therefore, I need to stop being a fool, stop creating lies upon myself and others and stop pretending and most important of all I am a muslim and my religion is Islam and there is only one god, Allah.

Shock...Shock... Hello Sir

Today, I am suppose to have my off-day and I should be at home to have a relaxing time. However, I am at the library and on the net doing a posting about my day.

Therefore, early in the morning according to my watch, it was 8.35 am I arrived at the office and greet the nice security guy and told him I'm on off-day. Now, that was not making sense at all since I was suppose to be elsewhere then at my work. Well, technically, I forgotten to inform my guardian about it. Ha...Ha... I am hopeless.

Then sharply at 8.42 am my boss had arrived and automatically I greed him and I was not sure if he know I was on a holiday and he was sort of waiting for me to enter the elavator. I felt like it was my fault that I should be straight forward about it.

Well, after I greet him, I had immediately left the building while he was waiting for the elavator to open. Then I walked, then I jogged, then I hummed a melodious verse from doa then after a few minutes I arrived at the library which according to my watch was 8.55 am.

One more thing, this was second time it happened when I arrived at the same time with the boss and he was wearing the same black T-shirt. However, there were missing or different elements between that day and today which were I was working but came late and he was eating snack.

Therefore, I concluded that life is full circle and Allah is all knowing about the world that I am living in.

P.S I will trasure this strange unique moemory and I pray to Allah that I will live happily in earth and heaven. Amin.

Heart Harmonize Beats

There are times that I cannot stand the notion of naive non believers and there are times I felt disappointed with some muslim for their ignorant. My heart beats frantic when it heard about the dirty politics happened at the middle east for example the divides of muslims because of the different school of practise. My heart sadden over the unfair treatment of our brothers and sisters in the Europe. Then my heart ache because of the stupidity of 'particular' western artist in trying to promote Islam but it just humiliation for us because the message was distort.

There are times my heart beat with a gentle stroke because of the melodious voice of a person who recited the Al Quran and there are times it beats steadily with the rhythms and flow of the voice. When the heart heard of life real stories about people finding the light and Allah then it gives soft jog. The hearts will squeal beat by beat if it hears humour of the domestic lifestyle of a home school mother. If hilarity occur thus the heart strive forward with excite joy.

My brother and I had experienced an event that we shared and witness the sun situated at the center of a circular rainbow. My heart beat frantic because of the strange phenomenon. It may not be of much importance to an outsider. However, in my perception that I can sense Allah creation and it caused my heart to hop excitingly. It made me realize that time is precious and do not waste it away in useless ventures. Tonight, I told my brother that I shall accomplish my responsible as a true muslimah and I mark with my heart that it belong to Allah. And the heart inside responded with sincere gentle beat.

P.S I told my brother have faiths and belief in Allah and our is religion Islam and my heart sings harmoniously.

Articulate My tomorrow

This is a strange way of stating about my day. Today I found a blog about love. So, what's the purpose of doing this again. Actually, the answer is just being random. I was bored so just randomly search in the net to amuse me. It was just by chance that I found it. Then again I had ways of finding interesting stuff like a particular 'Islam' love book.

Speaking of love, yesterday I had borrowed a book about love where the discussion of love is put within the perceptions of Islam. Sadly, the language is a bit odd when it was noticed by the sibling that it was wording in 'Indonesian malay'. Go figure, but I have to admit the author used a lot of poems for each chapter so at least the enjoyment would be joyful.

Next time, with enough capital I will buy the continuation books of 'Sufi' which happened to be book 2 and book 3. Hopefully there will be stock left cause I am concern that I will never get the chance. The reason is that I want to re-educate my understand of Islam since I never went to a religious school so lacking a lot. Then I will ask assistance from brother to teach the basics. I was planning to look for a private religious teacher. Hopefully, I pray to Allah for guidance in my search of a patience and sincere teacher since I need lots of help. I pray again in Allah to ensure that my love for knowledge is pure and I heartily did because of Allah.

I was planning to buy a new phone so that I could put Islam themes and listen to lots of 'dzikir'. In a way that my heart will always find that inner peace and hopefully I will have that ability to 'dzikir' then I be one happy camper indeed. Seriously, I will one day able to understand Al Quran deeply. It is long road and the progress shall be slow but with Allah guidance I shall be a true Muslimah and never give up in walking this journey to live happily in earth and heaven.

Priorities:Work or Study?

I am enjoying my work and getting concern about whether to work or study. There comes a time I am questioning myself if I am happy about my work. Then again I should not be asking questions about this. I am still awaiting the results from Itb whether or not I am being accept. It is alright to know this things way ahead then I can the best course of action of what to do. I shall stop here for.

P.S Just cause I am working does not mean I cannot learn on my own.
P.P.S I will attain a pure knowledge in Islam. Amin.